Everybody knows that when I tell you something, I am telling it the way it is. When I tell you I am upset, I am upset. If I say I'm happy, then I am happy.
So the information I received saying that Suzanne "won't be around me because she thinks I'm manipulating her" with my suicidal tendencies, made me angry. And not only the knowledge of that, but she won't even tell me to my FACE.
Below, is the note I just wrote to her. I used no profanity...but I worded it as strongly as possible.
"So, Chris finally told me why you were avoiding me.
"You think I'm manipulating you with my suicidal tendencies. Well, you are wrong.
"You can ask my parents. They will tell you, I spent much of last week in a highly depressed state. Except my depression came out in other ways around them, than it did with you. Or with Emily or Chris.
"I was diagnosed in 2007. It has been two years. My doctors have records that show I was admitted January 19, 2007 to St. Luke West AT MY REQUEST to deal with my problems then! Last week was the worst depression I have had since 2007. I've been depressed, yes - but NEVER that severely since '07. My aunt's own suicide later that year drove me near, but not quite, to that edge. The thoughts I had last Monday (3/9) morning scared the crap out of me! And you had every chance in the world to help, AND YOU BLEW THOSE CHANCES! NEWS FLASH - it wasn't just what happened with you that sent me down that path - but that was a part of it.
"I TRUSTED YOU to keep the promise you made to see me last week...but you couldn't even do THAT? And not only that, you could not even TELL ME that you thought I was manipulating you???
"There are VERY few people who see THAT part of my depression! I do not even trust my parents with that side because to them it's overblown, it's not serious but...I TRUSTED YOU. I did. Do I any more? NO.
"It's become pretty clear the ONLY people I can trust to see that side of me, and slap me back to reality when needed, are Emily and Chris and MAYBE a couple of my church friends. So goodbye - you lost the best friend you could have had in me."
Christmas at the Log Cabin
8 months ago